Rough Day in Paradise 7/7

To say that the past two weeks have been rough would be an understatement. Though as much as I’ve been “roughing it” this past year, I guess it was bound to catch up with me eventually.

As my departure date comes closer (ever so painfully slowly), I’m trapped between the pleasant feeling of having wrapped up all my major projects and investigations and feeling confident that I’ve accomplished an enormous amount and the unpleasant feeling of not having enough time/energy to start new projects and feeling guilty that maybe I haven’t don’t enough. My self-confidence and to a certain extent my whole personality I feel is fed by a constant rush of movement forward. To have that stalled whether voluntarily or involuntarily shakes me to my core, making me very unstable. Things that didn’t bother me too much before have now become unbearable (meager food provisions, the disparity between men and women, the low quality of life here, an unfortunate academic drama back home (which is ATM entirely in my own head), and the community’s incapacity to do the two things they promised me (feed me and get me to and from Daru)). 

Besides just generally feeling sorry for myself I also feel like a spoiled brat for (a) having potentially overburdened a resource poor community (people I talk to disagree but the sense is there), and (b) complaining that I don’t get enough when I often get more than most people.

Sad and frustrating things keep popping up. My puppy is sick and probably going to die. The fuel I had Grace buy in Daru for my trip this Friday to Upiara didn’t come on the community boat (but I saw four boxes of noodles come off...). A spider as big as my hand in my shower. People have been stealing medical supplies and our beautiful aid post is sitting idle. Wagiba went to beat sago today while her three healthy sons and husband stayed home to shoot the shit. They will all eat the sago she brings back and probably the fish she will catch on her way home. Course I didn’t go for sago either... but I’m not allowed to after last time.

Anyway... I was really hoping to leave this year as I have on my trips past, on a high of productivity with a smile and promises to return. The way this week is going I feel like I’ll barely make it out sane.

Since this is a running blog, I feel obliged to say that I’ve finally made good on my intended daily running goal. I’ve run every day for the past 14 days, which has given me a morning dose of endorphins and energy. Will keep it up until this Friday when I’m off to Daru and then frozen Canberra. 

Kate 

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